Not sure even where to start or if I can make sense of them, so guess I will just start typing and see what comes out. Lyndsy came to us and said she no longer believes in the church. She had more issues than I care to list. So right now, I’ll have to agree to disagree for the greater good. Is my heart broken, yes. I can’t help but think about Lehi’s dream and the iron rod.
I lived with conflict for years. Many times I lived in denial and still find myself there some times in different areas. But, I feel like I’ve chosen my battles. Some just are not worth going to the mattress for. Some may not be repairable at present, or in the future. I have learned to accept these disappointments. I have also learned that I should not force my opinion on others; I will manage my world and hope others will manage theirs as well. If they don’t, then I will adjust, but I will not force my opinion on them. I think you children understand what I’m saying here.
I want my children to incorporate charity into their thinking and behavior as it relates to your own family, and then teach it to your family. We need to be a charitable family, allowing each to make their own mistakes (if not life threatening) and be gracious. If family members are not gracious then maybe we should swallow that pill and choose to be a duck and let it roll off our back. Why? Because I can recognize when someone is not at the same place on the path as myself. Because I want to give others allowance for their less than upstanding behavior. In my opinion, this is what it means to be on the road to unconditional love. I know you all get what I’m saying because I’ve seen you do this. Unconditional love is the hardest but most rewarding gift to give others.
I want you all to know that I am invested in this family, in you children and my grand children. I don’t want to see any of my posterity sink. It brings me joy to see my posterity flourish and enjoying life. But there are some who are having some really difficult experiences. I hope all can be anchors for your siblings and your children in this family unit, without reservation, with unconditional love and concern for all. Is this a pipe dream? No. It’s a parents’ dream and I want it to happen.
I know you can be all things to your siblings and your own family. I know you are all charitable in your dealings with your siblings and with me, too. I know you understand what I’m getting at. I hope you can join me in this endeavor. It’s no longer about me and dad. It’s about our children and our grandchildren. I feel like my wants and desires don’t count anymore. I have to lead by example, live it and lead.
I often feel like I’m in a dinky canoe out on the ocean, maneuvering my boat before the next wave so I don’t capsize. In the distance I see these yachts that are full of my children and grandchildren. I often feel alone even when I’m busy keeping my canoe afloat. Weird, huh. I readily admit I’m not running on all cylinders. I’m super worried about many things for different reasons. Life is way choppy and I don’t see the waters becoming smooth any too soon.
I love you all, Mom
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