My Heart is Heavy

 

My talk given at Lila Mae's funeral

How do I say goodbye to my dear sister?  How do we say goodbye to a mother, grandmother and friend?  How do I write something that will honor her and convey the feelings in the most tender parts of my heart and soul?  I don't think it is even possible.

I Knew this day would come, but it never seemed like it was really going to happen, and then early Monday morning, the phone rang and that was the end.  And that's how it was.

For the past couple weeks, I have felt so uneasy and deep down I think I knew it was the Spirit preparing my heart.  So I began writing down all the memories I had remembered with Lila Mae.  So many memories.  My list grew longer and longer as the days went on and today my list still grows.  I am so grateful we had all those times together.

Lila Mae care for me from the time I was born until she married and moved from Seattle to Midway.  She was 19, I was six and I still remember feeling like a part of me had been broken.

The summer after she moved we made a trip to Midway for a visit.  When it was time to go I made a stand.  Put my foot down firmly and said I wouldn't go.  I was determined to stay with Lila Mae.  But mother and Lila Mae convinced me that if I stayed I wouldn't be able to start school.  Not fair, but it worked.

Two years later we moved from Seattle to Provo and I was elated and happy to be near her again.  For as long as I can remember and I think even through high school, I spent every weekend and summers at Lila Mae's.  I loved her, and I wanted to be just like her.

I've been told, by Susan, that there were many times when she and Ross hated to see me coming.  Apparently when Lila Mae would run an errand, I would quickly get Ross and Susan helping me clean the kitchen or other projects around the house.  I ordered them around unmercifully and I'm sorry for that now.  I hope they will forgive me.  In my defense, my only goal was to surprise and please Lila Mae.

In all my life, I can only recall one time when I thought she was angry with me.  I had disappeared up Memorial Hill to adventures only a child could make up.  I was lost in my make believe world and must have been gone a long time.  When I finally came down, I saw the look of worry and concern.  I still remember her say, "Where have you been for so long?"  that was all she said.  No scolding or yelling, but I could hear and feel the tone in her voice and it dissolved me to tears.  I ran out in the field behind their home and cried.  It wasn't long until Lila Mae came looking for me and took me in her arms and assured me that everything was alright and she wasn't made, just worried.  That little incident right there speaks volumes of how much I loved her and wanted to please her.

Lila taught me a love for books, embroidery work, and music.  She taught me the art of bread making (and I'm not going to make bread for the Dairy Keen!)  And the art of making rolls.  But, I think the greatest lesson she taught me was to love and care for each other and those around us.  I have watched her over the years and I have seen countless times that she reached out to some one in need.  Loving is giving and that was my sister.

Lila Mae and I seemed to have something a little extra special and closeness that many sisters don't have.  I've tried to figure out what that extra something was but there is no tangible thing to put my finger on.  How does on measure love?  I think it was her unconditional love for me.  Lila Mae was my strength and my joy.  Because of her I am a better person.

It is devastating, consuming thing to lose someone you love.  It gnaws at your soul.  But the comforter comes and reminds us of the Resurrection - the reuniting of the spirit and body in its perfect form.  The Resurrection is at the core of our beliefs.  When Christ rose from the grave, becoming the first fruits of the Resurrection, He made that gift available to all.  And with that sublime act, He softened the devastating, consuming sorrow of those who have lost precious loved ones.  

I speak to Lila Mae's children and grandchildren when I say that each of you will have sad moments, those sad moments when we feel we can never be put together again.  But I promise you that in those sad moments the comforter will come and whisper peace to your souls and you will know that all is well.

Live in thanksgiving for the priceless gifts that you and I and everyone who knew Lila Mae received from this precious mother, grandmother, sister and friend.

In closing I say again, How do we say goodbye to Lila Mae?  My heart is heavy and it hurts, as does yours.  Life won't be the same without her.  Lila Mae was the unifier, she was compassionate, talented, creative and she was an angel and just pure magic.

I hope she gets a glimpse of the impact she has had on her family, her little sister and friends and neighbors, because it was beyond huge.

My heart is heavy as I think about each of her children, but my heart rejoices in the plan that we will be with Lila Mae again.  Christ said, "I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you."  I am so thankful for the knowledge that I know where Lila Mae is.  No speculation.  I know.  And I know that one day I will see her again glorified and strong.

I recently had a birthday and in the card Lila Mae wrote she said, "Remember I love you.  Always have. Always will."  My sweet granddaughter painted this picture of Lila Mae and I with the words that were in her card.  So I say to my sister, "Remember that I love you.  Always have.  Always will."

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

Here are some more pictures of a beautiful, sad, happy and memorable day.

Susan tucked this baby rag doll  in beside Lila Mae.  Mother made this doll for Lila Mae years ago.

Lila Mae loved pictures of the red trucks with the Christmas tree in the back.  The family arranged to have the red truck available to take Lila Mae to the grave side.

Christopher, Becky's son, and me having a tender moment.

Putting the final rose of goodbye.

Andrew with Lila Mae bread recipe.  There was one at each table.  There was also a loaf of Lila Mae's bread at each table and we sent Andrew to gather the three loaves that were left on the empty table.  One for him and Abby, one for Neal and I and one for Shirlee and Gary.  Thanks Andrew!

Cute picture of Susan and Mary.

There is also a rather long story of why Jeff and Annie weren't at the funeral.  It has to do with tickets purchased and Emmi coming home from her deployment and Annie, Jeff and I going back to meet the ship.  I will leave tomorrow and hopefully get there on time, but Jeff and Annie just couldn't take that chance so they had to leave on their appointed time.