Just recently I got a hurtful letter from one of my stepchildren. I had made a comment that "I didn't know how she was going to get the money and that was a mystery" and I accidently sent it on a group chat. Let that be a lesson to all of us to be very careful about chatting online.
From that comment came a letter ,left on my front porch, comparing me to Hitler and Cinderella's Wicked Stepmother, which I felt was uncalled for, harsh, cruel and very hurtful. And she later reported that her children and some of the other grandchildren were not comfortable coming to our home, (I'm assuming because of me). So because of that, I have made the decision to not have our annual Easter gathering and Easter egg contest this year and maybe never. I'm too hurt and tired to play the roll of 'happy'.
From the time I started this blog and the journaling that I've done before blogging, I've almost never written about being a stepmom. I've had several reasons for staying clear of the topic. First of all, I'm not my stepchildren's mom, and if I were, I don't think I'd be so happy if they had a stepmother writing about their lives on her blog. And two, writing about step parenting while I'm in the trenches of it is a lot like writing about a divorce as you're going through it. Emotions are running rampant and negative. I remember writing about my own divorce when I was going through it and later when emotions were back in a more normal state, all those pages were burned. My third reason is that I have often felt like the world's worst stepmother. Yup, the world's worst. And who wants to write about that?
However, I felt strongly that I wanted to address this issue. Maybe to justify myself, maybe just to vent my feelings or just maybe to help me heal from the letter. One of the hardest parts about being a stepmom is the need to keep quiet about the tough stuff and how it's affecting me. This letter was a tough one for me and I realized I needed to physically and emotionally back away from the situation. I've spent too much time beating myself up about my shortcomings as a stepmother. Often, I felt like something was very wrong with me because I always seemed to be blamed over and over and over again. I try to believe that I have learned to be wiser and gentler with myself. But every now and again, I have the wind taken out of my sails.
I know, and it has been made very clear to me, that I'm not their mother or their 'bonus mom'. I learned early on that I could have a meaningful, loving, influential relationship with my stepchildren, but it would always be different from my relationship with Lynda Ann and Jeffrey.
I certainly don't want to make being a stepmother seem all gloom and doom, because it isn't. We have had many fun times together as a blended family. I've read a lot about blending families and how to be a stepmom. Everything I've ever read ALWAYS says that being a stepmom is definitely one of the biggest challenges anyone can face, because it is daily and will be for the longest duration. Other things in my life have been harder in singular moments, but nothing else has truly tested all my insecurities and fears in the same way. I wish there were an 'easy button' to push for how to deal with the stress of being a stepmom. Can I just say that "SHIT IS COMPLEX".
Being compared to Hitler and then being called Cinderella's Wicked Stepmother was a low blow. Throughout history stepmothers have been painted as wicked and evil. Just look at almost any Disney fairytale. These stereotypes are hard to shake and even now in the year 2022, there is still a negative connation associated with the title of 'stepmom.' We seem to get little appreciation for the things we do right and all the blame for things that may go wrong. Being a stepmother can feel like you're on an emotional rollercoaster. I can feel love, happiness, sadness, anxiety, stress, and resentment and hate, yes hate, all in one day.
Venting about the struggles that come with motherhood DOES NOT make me a BAD MOM. It doesn't mean I don't love Lynda Ann and Jeffrey. IT'S THE SAME FOR STEPMOMS. when I talk openly to someone else about feeling overwhelmed or frustrated with Lyndsy or any of the Maxfield children it does not mean that I don't show up as a good stepmom. It means that I'm a human being with feelings and concerns.
There is a counselor named Emma Smallbone and she said: "When you are a stepmom you're living a life that isn't fully yours." Being a stepmom has challenged me beyond ways that I never expected.
Right now, I'm feeling furious, angry, and guilty. I even feel like I would like to throw in the towel. I've even had moments of bone-deep loneliness, but thanks to Lynda Ann, she has pulled me up and out of that. I know that hard is normal and that I need to forgive myself and move on to the next stage. One step forward and three steps back. That is how I feel most of the time.
I keep reminding myself that any of my stepchildren not liking me is NOT personal, no matter how personal it may feel. And my stepchildren do not have to love me for me to be a good stepparent and I don't have to love my stepchildren to be a good stepparent either. I'm realizing that my number one job is to support Neal as he parents his own children.
Sometimes curling up and going fetal for a bit is okay. Maybe my optimism is in hibernation right now and I need some downtime for myself. I definitely need some recharge time. I don't know if I'll ever get over this so I'm going to go ahead and wallow for a bit. Being a stepparent is emotionally exhausting and I don't feel like I benefit from bothering trying to pretend otherwise.
As I wrap up this post, I'm feeling like "wow, this is pretty dooms day" stuff. I will admit that being a stepmom isn't all bad. There are blessings along the way, but those blessings have challenged me in ways that I never expected.
No comments:
Post a Comment