My Heart is Heavy

 

My talk given at Lila Mae's funeral

How do I say goodbye to my dear sister?  How do we say goodbye to a mother, grandmother and friend?  How do I write something that will honor her and convey the feelings in the most tender parts of my heart and soul?  I don't think it is even possible.

I Knew this day would come, but it never seemed like it was really going to happen, and then early Monday morning, the phone rang and that was the end.  And that's how it was.

For the past couple weeks, I have felt so uneasy and deep down I think I knew it was the Spirit preparing my heart.  So I began writing down all the memories I had remembered with Lila Mae.  So many memories.  My list grew longer and longer as the days went on and today my list still grows.  I am so grateful we had all those times together.

Lila Mae care for me from the time I was born until she married and moved from Seattle to Midway.  She was 19, I was six and I still remember feeling like a part of me had been broken.

The summer after she moved we made a trip to Midway for a visit.  When it was time to go I made a stand.  Put my foot down firmly and said I wouldn't go.  I was determined to stay with Lila Mae.  But mother and Lila Mae convinced me that if I stayed I wouldn't be able to start school.  Not fair, but it worked.

Two years later we moved from Seattle to Provo and I was elated and happy to be near her again.  For as long as I can remember and I think even through high school, I spent every weekend and summers at Lila Mae's.  I loved her, and I wanted to be just like her.

I've been told, by Susan, that there were many times when she and Ross hated to see me coming.  Apparently when Lila Mae would run an errand, I would quickly get Ross and Susan helping me clean the kitchen or other projects around the house.  I ordered them around unmercifully and I'm sorry for that now.  I hope they will forgive me.  In my defense, my only goal was to surprise and please Lila Mae.

In all my life, I can only recall one time when I thought she was angry with me.  I had disappeared up Memorial Hill to adventures only a child could make up.  I was lost in my make believe world and must have been gone a long time.  When I finally came down, I saw the look of worry and concern.  I still remember her say, "Where have you been for so long?"  that was all she said.  No scolding or yelling, but I could hear and feel the tone in her voice and it dissolved me to tears.  I ran out in the field behind their home and cried.  It wasn't long until Lila Mae came looking for me and took me in her arms and assured me that everything was alright and she wasn't made, just worried.  That little incident right there speaks volumes of how much I loved her and wanted to please her.

Lila taught me a love for books, embroidery work, and music.  She taught me the art of bread making (and I'm not going to make bread for the Dairy Keen!)  And the art of making rolls.  But, I think the greatest lesson she taught me was to love and care for each other and those around us.  I have watched her over the years and I have seen countless times that she reached out to some one in need.  Loving is giving and that was my sister.

Lila Mae and I seemed to have something a little extra special and closeness that many sisters don't have.  I've tried to figure out what that extra something was but there is no tangible thing to put my finger on.  How does on measure love?  I think it was her unconditional love for me.  Lila Mae was my strength and my joy.  Because of her I am a better person.

It is devastating, consuming thing to lose someone you love.  It gnaws at your soul.  But the comforter comes and reminds us of the Resurrection - the reuniting of the spirit and body in its perfect form.  The Resurrection is at the core of our beliefs.  When Christ rose from the grave, becoming the first fruits of the Resurrection, He made that gift available to all.  And with that sublime act, He softened the devastating, consuming sorrow of those who have lost precious loved ones.  

I speak to Lila Mae's children and grandchildren when I say that each of you will have sad moments, those sad moments when we feel we can never be put together again.  But I promise you that in those sad moments the comforter will come and whisper peace to your souls and you will know that all is well.

Live in thanksgiving for the priceless gifts that you and I and everyone who knew Lila Mae received from this precious mother, grandmother, sister and friend.

In closing I say again, How do we say goodbye to Lila Mae?  My heart is heavy and it hurts, as does yours.  Life won't be the same without her.  Lila Mae was the unifier, she was compassionate, talented, creative and she was an angel and just pure magic.

I hope she gets a glimpse of the impact she has had on her family, her little sister and friends and neighbors, because it was beyond huge.

My heart is heavy as I think about each of her children, but my heart rejoices in the plan that we will be with Lila Mae again.  Christ said, "I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you."  I am so thankful for the knowledge that I know where Lila Mae is.  No speculation.  I know.  And I know that one day I will see her again glorified and strong.

I recently had a birthday and in the card Lila Mae wrote she said, "Remember I love you.  Always have. Always will."  My sweet granddaughter painted this picture of Lila Mae and I with the words that were in her card.  So I say to my sister, "Remember that I love you.  Always have.  Always will."

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

Here are some more pictures of a beautiful, sad, happy and memorable day.

Susan tucked this baby rag doll  in beside Lila Mae.  Mother made this doll for Lila Mae years ago.

Lila Mae loved pictures of the red trucks with the Christmas tree in the back.  The family arranged to have the red truck available to take Lila Mae to the grave side.

Christopher, Becky's son, and me having a tender moment.

Putting the final rose of goodbye.

Andrew with Lila Mae bread recipe.  There was one at each table.  There was also a loaf of Lila Mae's bread at each table and we sent Andrew to gather the three loaves that were left on the empty table.  One for him and Abby, one for Neal and I and one for Shirlee and Gary.  Thanks Andrew!

Cute picture of Susan and Mary.

There is also a rather long story of why Jeff and Annie weren't at the funeral.  It has to do with tickets purchased and Emmi coming home from her deployment and Annie, Jeff and I going back to meet the ship.  I will leave tomorrow and hopefully get there on time, but Jeff and Annie just couldn't take that chance so they had to leave on their appointed time.  

Project Finished - What to do next

 Finally finished a huge project and now have to decided what I want to do next.  

Here is my finished project.  Of course it needs to be pressed and then framed.  It will eventually be hanging in my "office" or in the bedroom.  This is one that I did especially for me.

These are the next possibilities that I have lined up.  Not sure what to start doing next. 

 

France - Here She Comes!!

 Lynda Ann threw a surprise going away party for Mallory who is doing a semester abroad in France.  She leaves this coming Tuesday.  Annie and Abby made a cut out of the Eiffel Tower which was amazing.  The funny story (and there always is one when Annie is in project mode) is that she didn't know just where she was going to spray paint this huge cardboard structure.  So she took it out in front of her house and laid it on the street to paint it.  Apparently this was like 11:00 at night.  The next day, Mallory happened to notice the street and wondered who had painted an A.  At this point, I think she might have begun to be suspicious that something was up.

But, everything worked out perfect, including the Eiffel Tower and the surprise for Mallory.  Abby and Mallory left the house about 3:00 and drove over to the new temple sight to take some pictures for Emmi.  While they were gone Ellie and Neal and I arrived and helped Annie and the kids get the food and decorations set up for the party.  

Ellie, Hayley and Neal strung the lights and got it all set up.

All the food was French themed.  

Just me fooling around a little bit before the party begins.

Mallory and Abby came in the house just after 4 and the party began.  We took some pictures, then we all had delicious food and then Annie had some French related games to play.  One was guessing common French phrases that we Americans use all the time.  That was hard!  Another one was she had a whole bunch of pictures of famous places in France that we had to guess.  And then we had to put a piece of paper on top our head and draw the Eiffel Tower!  The drawings were hilarious.  After that we played Telestrations and had some great laughs!  

Cute Abby posing.

BON VOYAGE dear Mallory!  Have an amazing time, see the sights of France and learn the language.

We love you and wish for you many fun adventures.

One Quick Stop

 After we left Lila Mae's, we headed home making one quick stop at the Loco Lizards for lunch and then to the outlets.  We wanted to run into Bath and Body.  They had their candles on sale for $10.00 off, which is a good price.  Of course we all found other stuff we just had to have - isn't that always the case?!

Lunch was fun and delicious.  This picture was taken at the outlets.  Mallory and I sitting on the bench that is way to big for me and just right for Mallory.  Yes, we all had a good laugh.

Emmi, remember how you always had to run out to the car to get my sweater when we were in restaurants because I always got cold.  Well, you will notice that I remember to bring my sweater with me and I put it on the minute we were seated!  

What an incredibly fun day!!!

Our Last Goodbye

 Lynda Ann, Mallory, Abby and I left the festivities of Swiss Days and drove over to Lila Mae's home.  We all knew that we wouldn't have Lila much longer and wanted to see her one last time.  When we got there, the house was quiet so we just went back to Lila Mae's bedroom.  It is always sad and heart braking to see someone you love lingering between here and passing.  Maybe it is just as hard for the person leaving us as it is for us having to lose them.  Maybe that goodbye for them is something they don't want to face either.  

The four of us spent some very quiet and very tearful moments with Lila Mae telling her how much we loved her.  As we were getting ready to leave, Abby asked if she could say a prayer.  So we closed the bedroom door and Abby offered the most beautiful and spiritual prayer that I think I've ever heard.  I know it was heard by Lila Mae and those waiting for her on the other side.  I wish it had been recorded.  The two things that stand out in my mind were comments about the love between Lila Mae and I and the example we set for sisters to love each other.  She also mentioned eternal families and adopted children into those families.  I should have stopped sometime after and written down what I could remember but the emotions were too raw and too spiritual.  Maybe those beautiful words were only for the 5 of us to hear and share in that room.  I will long remember the feeling of love and the spirit that filled the room. You could almost touch it. Bless you, Abby, for your spiritual awareness, knowing that a prayer was needed at just that moment.  I think I felt a touch of the love the Savior has for each of us.  So overwhelming you almost want to fall to your knees and weep tears of joy.  I have tears flowing down my cheeks as I write this and remembering.  

Swiss Days

 This last weekend was the annual Swiss Days celebration in Midway, Utah.  I can remember going to Swiss Days as far back as my memory can go.  Lila Mae and Max were always involved in the events of this two day marathon!  Lila Mae always made bread and Bratseli cookies.  She was famous for both.  Max was busy helping with setting up booths and helping with all the building and electrical challenges that come with an event this size.  

Lynda Ann, Mallory, Abby and I drove to Midway Friday morning and parked in Susan's driveway.  Susan's home is about two blocks away from the fair grounds.  

We spent a couple hours wandering up and down all the isles between the booths, looking and searching for just the perfect purchase of the day.  I actually found the book that Neal and I will give the kids for Christmas and the best find was the pillow that you can change the front according to the month, season and holiday.  Annie and I both had to have one of those.  All the extra panels fit inside the back of the pillow!  How very clever.

We had a great time and were glad we were there in the morning because as the morning sun got higher in the sky so did the temperature!  And there were masses of people to contend with.  We did run into Jill Thurber (Annie's friend) and Sandy Mack (Bobby Mack's daughter-in-law).  As we were leaving I noticed that Mallory had a darling sweatshirt and I decided that I needed to get one and Abby and Lynda Ann wanted to go back and find a booth, so we split up to make our last minute purchases before heading back to the car.  Dang, I should have bought one for Tucker!!!

Such an incredibly fun time with my daughter and granddaughters at Swiss Days.  Would I do it again?  Yup, absolutely.