As far back as I can remember, the only thing I ever wanted to do was be a 'mother'. I wanted to have a big family and live happily ever after. I never thought life would be any different than the way I perceived and imagined it. But then I grew up and found out that life has it twists and turns and maybe even some detours that we couldn't possibly have anticipated. I quite liked my youthful way of thinking.
I had not planned on (1) never being able to experience a pregnancy, (2) adopting, (3) getting a divorce, (4) a second marriage, (5) raising five more children. None of those scenarios had ever ventured into my 'ideal' life's mind. But, the reality is - I didn't ever get pregnant, I did adopt, I did get a divorce after 22 years of marriage, I did remarry and I did help raise five more children.
The challenges that come with being a mother are often overwhelming. The challenges of being a 'new' mother and combining two families is, from my own experience, beyond any preconceived understanding. Every child has their own set of issues, emotions, agendas and ideas as to what a mother is supposed to be like and provide. It didn't take me long to realize that I couldn't possibly fill all the roles and meet all the expectations, but I kept trying.
It's been twenty years and you would think I would have things all figured out. That I would know just what to say, just what to do and just how to fill the needs of each child. But, every day is a new day with a new set of experiences. Every family gathering is another set of interactions. I go along thinking that everything is good and then something happens unexpectedly to bring me to reality that we don't have the 'perfect' family with the 'perfect' parents and grandparents.
I often wish I were as Solomon of old who was wise beyond human understanding and seemed to know all the right answers and actions. But, alas, I'm just me, struggling to do my best each day to be sensitive, kind, understanding, loving and forgiving. I'm sure I have failed miserably at times, but that doesn't mean I'm not always reaching for the best. All I want and have ever wanted is for my posterity to be happy - happy with themselves, each other and me.
Am I happy with our family accomplishments? Absolutely. Am I sometimes sad and confused? Of course. Will I keep trying to be the kind of mother and grandmother that each one of my children and grandchildren expect? Yes. But know that I may fail once in a while, so please be forgiving of my short comings. Try to look deeper than my words or actions and know that I love you all, each one. I acknowledge what each one of my children bring to our family and I love the wide variety of personalities and individual gifts you sew into the tapestry of our eternal history. Mom / Gam / Jeannine
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