On a Happy Note

 I received this letter from Abby and it came at a time when I needed to hear that I was loved by a grandchild.  (I know I'm loved by many of them :-) )

"Holaaaa!!!  Thank you for your sweet birthday messaged.  I could hear your voice as I read your email and you 'sang' to me.  I love you so much!!!

    We've been doing good here.  We had some really cool miracles this week and I love serving here.  The     people here are amazing and I can't imagine serving anywhere else or not speaking Spanish.  Latinos        are the greatest people!!  This last weekend we had a friend that needed to move and doesn't have any        family or friends to help.  She is not a member but we have been teaching her.  She told us on Friday        that she had to be out by Sunday.  We told her we would do what we could to help.  We called a lot of        members but no one could come help us.  Even the missionaries were not able to come.  So we started        calling friends who are not members but that we are teaching.  They were incredible!!  So we are               outside the apartment building and WOW MILAGROS!!!  our friend Oscar pulls up in his truck and he     brought 3 other buys to come help.  We have never met them and they don't like our church but they            came to help.  Then Armando, our recent convert came in his truck and he brought a friend from the        English class!  It was AMAZING!!  Me and my companion were literally jumping and cheering in the        street because we had no idea how we were going to help this girl move.  The hermanos really came        through!!

    Only one of the six who came was a member and only one other really knows about our church.                 Something I love about this gospel is its a gospel of action.  So many people talk about doing good or        helping out but the church actually does.  And it doesn't matter who you are if you need help we are            there because that's what Christ did.  Those guys were my miracle this week among other miracles too."

Hitler and Cinderella's Stepmother

 Just recently I got a hurtful letter from one of my stepchildren.  I had made a comment that "I didn't know how she was going to get the money and that was a mystery" and I accidently sent it on a group chat.  Let that be a lesson to all of us to be very careful about chatting online.  

From that comment came a letter ,left on my front porch, comparing me to Hitler and Cinderella's Wicked Stepmother, which I felt was uncalled for, harsh, cruel and very hurtful.  And she later reported that her children and some of the other grandchildren were not comfortable coming to our home, (I'm assuming because of me).  So because of that, I have made the decision to not have our annual Easter gathering and Easter egg contest this year and maybe never.  I'm too hurt and tired to play the roll of 'happy'.

From the time I started this blog and the journaling that I've done before blogging, I've almost never written about being a stepmom.  I've had several reasons for staying clear of the topic.  First of all, I'm not my stepchildren's mom, and if I were, I don't think I'd be so happy if they had a stepmother writing about their lives on her blog.  And two, writing about step parenting while I'm in the trenches of it is a lot like writing about a divorce as you're going through it.  Emotions are running rampant and negative.  I remember writing about my own divorce when I was going through it and later when emotions were back in a more normal state, all those pages were burned.  My third reason is that I have often felt like the world's worst stepmother.  Yup, the world's worst.  And who wants to write about that?

However, I felt strongly that I wanted to address this issue.  Maybe to justify myself, maybe just to vent my feelings or just maybe to help me heal from the letter.  One of the hardest parts about being a stepmom is the need to keep quiet about the tough stuff and how it's affecting me.  This letter was a tough one for me and I realized I needed to physically and emotionally back away from the situation.  I've spent too much time beating myself up about my shortcomings as a stepmother.  Often, I felt like something was very wrong with me because I always seemed to be blamed over and over and over again.  I try to believe that I have learned to be wiser and gentler with myself.  But every now and again, I have the wind taken out of my sails.

I know, and it has been made very clear to me, that I'm not their mother or their 'bonus mom'.  I learned early on that I could have a meaningful, loving, influential relationship with my stepchildren, but it would always be different from my relationship with Lynda Ann and Jeffrey.

I certainly don't want to make being a stepmother seem all gloom and doom, because it isn't.  We have had many fun times together as a blended family.  I've read a lot about blending families and how to be a stepmom.  Everything I've ever read ALWAYS says that being a stepmom is definitely one of the biggest challenges anyone can face, because it is daily and will be for the longest duration.  Other things in my life have been harder in singular moments, but nothing else has truly tested all my insecurities and fears in the same way.  I wish there were an 'easy button' to push for how to deal with the stress of being a stepmom.  Can I just say that "SHIT IS COMPLEX".

Being compared to Hitler and then being called Cinderella's Wicked Stepmother was a low blow.  Throughout history stepmothers have been painted as wicked and evil.  Just look at almost any Disney fairytale.  These stereotypes are hard to shake and even now in the year 2022, there is still a negative connation associated with the title of 'stepmom.'  We seem to get little appreciation for the things we do right and all the blame for things that may go wrong.  Being a stepmother can feel like you're on an emotional rollercoaster.  I can feel love, happiness, sadness, anxiety, stress, and resentment and hate, yes hate, all in one day.

Venting about the struggles that come with motherhood DOES NOT make me a BAD MOM.  It doesn't mean I don't love Lynda Ann and Jeffrey.  IT'S THE SAME FOR STEPMOMS.  when I talk openly to someone else about feeling overwhelmed or frustrated with Lyndsy or any of the Maxfield children it does not mean that I don't show up as a good stepmom.  It means that I'm a human being with feelings and concerns.

There is a counselor named Emma Smallbone and she said:  "When you are a stepmom you're living a life that isn't fully yours."  Being a stepmom has challenged me beyond ways that I never expected.

Right now, I'm feeling furious, angry, and guilty.  I even feel like I would like to throw in the towel.  I've even had moments of bone-deep loneliness, but thanks to Lynda Ann, she has pulled me up and out of that.  I know that hard is normal and that I need to forgive myself and move on to the next stage.  One step forward and three steps back.  That is how I feel most of the time.  

I keep reminding myself that any of my stepchildren not liking me is NOT personal, no matter how personal it may feel.  And my stepchildren do not have to love me for me to be a good stepparent and I don't have to love my stepchildren to be a good stepparent either.  I'm realizing that my number one job is to support Neal as he parents his own children.

Sometimes curling up and going fetal for a bit is okay.  Maybe my optimism is in hibernation right now and I need some downtime for myself.  I definitely need some recharge time.  I don't know if I'll ever get over this so I'm going to go ahead and wallow for a bit.  Being a stepparent is emotionally exhausting and I don't feel like I benefit from bothering trying to pretend otherwise.

As I wrap up this post, I'm feeling like "wow, this is pretty dooms day" stuff.  I will admit that being a stepmom isn't all bad.  There are blessings along the way, but those blessings have challenged me in ways that I never expected.

Sunday Thoughts

I had the opportunity to go out to Lynda Ann's and sit in the audience and hear her talk about her journey of finding her biological ancestors and doing their temple work.  I wish I had a recording of it.  It was such a spiritual experience to hear her talk about her personal temple experiences.  She told about being adopted and how she never had a problem with being adopted but never felt a connection to the Hintze or Ross ancestors.  Her earliest memory is thinking about all the people who were in Heaven waiting for her to do the research and find them so their work could be done.

Through some help with a family history expert she was able to track down some living relatives.  Her biological parents, two half sisters and even some half brothers.  Annie told us that Rose, the family history sister, said when she started on Annie's research she couldn't leave it alone.  Like people were pushing her on.

Annie told about her experience of taking her biological grandmother's name through the temple and that it was the most spiritual experience than she could have expected.  She felt her grandmother was ready to have her temple work done.  Annie felt her grandmother was right by her at the veil.  

She mentioned that there isn't one definition of a family.  That there are many definitions.  

She bore her testimony that people on the other side of the veil are cheering us on and want us to find them.  She ended her talk by telling the audience that she has a daughter on a mission and another daughter on the Harry S. Truman Aircraft carrier and how worried she is about both her girls.  One particular day she was coming from Stansbury to Salt Lake and has she rounded the mountain she saw the Bountiful Temple and new that it was a message and a promise from her Heavenly Father that families are eternal and the girls are being watched over.

My love for her was overwhelming and I'm so glad that I was able to be there and hear her testimony.  I echo mine with hers.

Friday Night with Neal

 We weren't very creative this past week.  There was to much going on and too many things that needed to be done that there wasn't much thought about where we were going to dinner.  It was Neal's turn to choose and he chose Woody's.  We got there just a little before 5:00 and by the time we left around 6:00 it was crowded with people coming and going.  It is a popular little dive here in Murray.  We both had a hamburger, fries, onion rings and malts.  So good.  Certainly not nutritious by any stretch of the imagination but sure was good.  Nothing better than a good juicy hamburger.  

Sunday Thoughts

 I didn't get a chance to finish posting on Sunday because I wanted to spend any extra time I had with Tucker.  

I taught my lesson in gospel doctrine on Sunday and these are the thoughts that I shared with my class.  The Kingdom of God is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  It will stand forever.  Will we stand forever?  Will I stand forever?

There are four primary questions that we need to ask ourselves.  If we can answer 'yes' to these four primary questions then we don't need to worry about the secondary questions.  

1.  Is there a God who is our Father in Heaven?

2.  Is Jesus Christ the Son of God, the Savior of the world?

3.  Is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints the Kingdom of God on earth?

4.  Was Joseph Smith a Prophet of God who laid down the foundation of the church?

You can't prove a positive by disproving a negative.

Look unto me in every thought and doubt not.

Also, these past two weeks have been incredibly hard for me.  Lots of family drama and lots of dumping on me.  I was feeling down and questioning myself as a step-mother and grandmother because of a letter I received.   

I received this from a friend and it certainly made me feel better about myself.

        "You look in the mirror and sometimes see a mess of a human being.

        But you don't see the lives you've touched, or the people you've saved.

        You don't see all the love you've given freely, or the extraordinary memories you've made.

        You are a book of beautiful moments and feelings."

She went on to tell me that it is easy to beat ourselves up when one family member turns against us.  But don't let yourself forget all the good and happy things!  

I have made a decision not to have a family gathering for Easter this year.  My feelings are just too raw right now and are going to take some time to heal.  

New Double Oven

 I've wanted two ovens in my kitchen almost from the time we moved into our town home.  It has taken us 20 years to get it done.  There have been countless times that I've needed two ovens when having a family dinner.  Now I should be in good shape.  I can be baking the main dinner in the big oven and starting rolls in the smaller oven.  So excited!

Tucker got to give the stove it's maiden voyage by surprising us on Sunday.  Neal and I came home from church and Tucker had prepared the most delicious dinner ever.  We had steak, asparagus and small potatoes.  Every bite was a delicious explosion of spices.  So incredibly good.  We thoroughly enjoyed dinner and our visit after.  Good conversations seem to always happen while surrounding the dinner table.

Tucker's "to do" list

 It seems that every time Tucker comes there is always technical projects for him to either fix or program or readstart, etc.  This time it was getting our new car set up with our phones, showing us all the gadgets and workings of our Nissan.  He worked on that all morning and then he and I went to the grocery store, Sneider's Meats and then to Jimmy John's for sandwiches.  Tucker wanted to fix us dinner on Sunday and I was more that happy to let him.  Nice to not have to cook for a change.

Saturday evening Tucker went with a group of his high school buddies to the Utah Basketball Game and hung out with them until late.  Neal and I went out to dinner with the Leethams and Pattons.  We went to the Longhorn Steak House and it was okay.  Not a place I would go back to any time soon.  But the company was great! 

Neal takes a tumble

 Neal, Tucker and Grayson went skiing on Friday.  I was going to go to work but decided instead to take a mental health day and stay home by myself, work on my lesson, do some house cleaning and some stitching.

Periodically Tucker would check in so that I knew everything was going well.  Then I get a video towards the early afternoon of Neal taking a not planned summersault , skiis flying in all directions and Neal landing, bouncing and rolling along the snow.  When he finally stops I hear Tucker saying, "Dad, dad, are you okay?"  Neal finally says that he thinks so.  Another skier stops and asks if he needs the ski patrol to which Neal answers that he thinks he will be okay.  Needless to say, he made it down the hill and that was his last run for the day.  Tucker and Grayson did a couple more and then they headed home.  Neal came hobbling in and I mean hobbling.  He changed and went to see Dan Patton who was able to put his hip and shoulders back in place.  I kept Neal on ice packs, Tylenol and Ibuprofen and resting for the rest of the day.  Saturday morning he was 100% better and on the mend.  So thankful that nothing was broken and that his knees weren't damaged.  

They did say that they had a fabulous time and that the weather was everything from snow, cloud covered, sunshine and bright blue skies.  

Neal and Tucker were supposed to go out to Maren's to see the new Batman movie but Neal was a little too broken up to go.  So Tucker went without him.  He said the movie was 3 hours long and wasn't one that he wanted to see again.  But enjoyed being with his sister.

Weekend Visit

 Tucker came into town for the weekend.  Neal and I picked him up at the airport at 4:00.  It was good to see his smile and to feel his energy.  We drove to Crown Burger for dinner.  Tucker's have to place to go when he comes to Utah.

Tucker planned on going skiing while he is here this weekend so after our dinner we went over to a ski rental store to get ski equipment for him and Neal.  

After they got their equipment sized, rented and paid for we headed over to watch Boston play basketball.  He is a good aggressive player and actually made the winning basket.  It was a very exciting ending to a really good game.

Tucker being Tucker!!  

Maren joining in on the silly!

After the game we all decided to go to Handel's in Fort Union for some ice cream.

Sunday Thoughts

 Heard a talk in Sacrament Meeting on missionaries and of course, it brought my thoughts around to Abby who has reached her one year mark.  I also thought about all the other missionaries in the world and how grateful I am for all of them and how much I love them for serving the Lord.  But, I am so grateful for Abby.  For her example and her dedication to the Lord, the gospel and what she believes.  I thought as we spend time away from her and long to be with her, I couldn't help but realize that I had a glimpse of the longing our Father in Heaven has for each one of us.  Just as we turn our hearts toward each other, He turns his heart toward all of us.  He has set in motion an eternal plan for us to return to Him.  And through the atonement of His Son, the plan of salvation and happiness will bring us back to Him.

Abby's faith is so incredibly strong, and she works so hard to find friends who are interested and wanting to hear the gospel message.  Her light shines incredibly bright and I love her.

The Story of the New Car

 Last Christmas Neal and I rode out with Norm and Kim to the Maxfield Christmas party.  We rode in the back seat of their Nissan Murano.  On the way back from the party, Neal ask Norm what he was going to do with his car while he was on his mission.  Norm said he was going to sell it.  Neal said that we would like to buy it. So the deal was kind of settled that evening.  The day before Norm and Kim were leaving for their mission, Norm calls Neal and asks him if he still wants to buy the car.  Neal assures him that we do and Norm says they are leaving the next day and could we get the loan taken care of that day.  I took the day off and Neal and I headed to Granite Credit Union to draw up all the necessary papers.  Norm met us there and he signed all the papers he needed and by 4:30 we deposited the money for the car in Norm's bank account.  Norm asked if he could keep the car one more day as they didn't have another car.  This took place on Friday. The next morning we get a call from Norm telling us that Kim tested positive for COVID and they couldn't get on the plane.  He said they would have to wait for 10 days and then Kim could be tested again. Norm again asked if it were possible to keep the car a little bit longer.  Of course we told him that would be fine.  So for the next 10 days Norm and Kim had the car and drove to St. George.  A week later Norm and Kim leave for their mission but we don't have a car.  Neal tried calling and texting Norm but couldn't get an answer.  That night about 10:30, he called Norm again and Norm answered the phone.  He said they were in the plane in New York taxing out to the run way and that there was a little problem.  He then told us that his car had been parked in Marissa's (his daughter) driveway and Marissa's daughter back out and back into the back passenger side door doing some damage to the door.  So the car was now at a place getting fixed and it would probably be another week before we got the car.  Two more weeks passed and today, March 1st, we have a new car parked in our garage.  This whole process took about 4 weeks to complete.  But all is well and we are happy to finally have a car that we have insured and are paying on!

And that is the rest of the story!